broadsideblog

No Kids? No Problem

In parenting, women on November 4, 2009 at 9:34 am
Family portrait with mother, father, two small...

Can you be a real family with no kids in it? Image by Powerhouse Museum Collection via Flickr

Any woman who chooses never to have kids — and doesn’t inherit any as a stepmother — ends up looking like a freak. All women want kids! Where’s your maternal instinct? Babies are so cute! There’s a loud, powerful, unavoidable litany. Not to mention the parade of celebs with their baby bumps, their babies, their toddlers, their kids, somehow suggesting it’s the coolest choice imaginable.

It’s a choice, as Laura. S. Scott discusses in her new book, “Two Is Enough”, the result of interviews with 171 people who chose not to have kids, experts and parents. She debunks a pile ‘o myths — parenthood makes you a better person, it’s different when they’re yours, parenting is the path to maturity.

As someone who never wanted kids, I know what people think of us. We’re weird, cold, unloving, selfish. Whatever. Here are a few things to think about should you feel the need to judge someone who didn’t procreate:

1) There may be serious medical issues, from cancers to mental illness, we don’t want to risk in having offspring who may be born with them. We know the costs, financial, emotional and psychological. We’ve made that calculation.

2) We may have had crazy childhoods, with parents who were mentally or physically ill, substance abusers or worse. Surviving our own childhoods was tough enough. Many of us were “parentified”, forced into taking charge of the adults who chose to bear us, taking care of them when we were way too young to handle it. We’re worn out. Parenting our own kids looks like another few decades of more wearying work.

3) Parenting, well, is really, really hard work. We’re not dumb! Sure, it’s deeply rewarding. So are many other activities.

4) Depending on your career choice or ambitions, handling the additionally relentless time, money and emotional needs of those utterly dependent on you is unmanageable. We want to do our work, or our avocations, really well, perhaps even obsessively, and we know something has to give — motherhood, or fatherhood, is it. We see the anger, resentment and fatigue of many women trying to juggle 12 kinds of excellence at once.

5) The choice carries consequences, of which we’re fully aware: people with kids may exclude you from their lives, we get asked to pick up the slack at work for parents’ needs, we have to think a little harder about what the future looks like. It’s not a predictable sequence of pediatricians/school/SATs/college/weddings/grandkids. It’s not predictable at all.

6) It’s just the two of us. Thanksgiving choices aren’t obvious. Neither is Christmas. With no distractions of kids and their needs, it’s all up to us to decide how to express our deepest values. Maybe it’s work, travel, volunteer work, mentoring. It forces many thoughtful conversations.

7) How and where can we connect with kids? I love talking to kids and hanging out with them, but with no nieces or nephews, it’s tough and a little lonely. I was a Big Sister for a while, but that’s a whole different story. This is something I’m still thinking through.

What’s our legacy? Big word, that. But parents take it for granted. They’ve had kids! There’s visible proof of their commitment to the future. For us, it’s deciding how or where we’ll handle our later lives. Who will receive the money and assets from our estates when we die? A charity, foundation, our alma mater? Knowing there will be no physical continuation of us, mortality feels very real indeed.

One of my few bookmarked women’s blogs is BitchPhd; here’s a poignant recent post on the exhausting challenge of single parenting.

  1. One option for some to consider regarding numbers 1 & 7. The US foster system is full of kids who desperately need someone to care about them. Older children, who have outgrown the “cute” phase can be particularly hard to place. Foster is not the same as adoption, many of the kids need a temporary solution while their families of origin get it together, or while permanent solutions are found. My folks even started out doing weekends with kids who were struggling in their foster placements. I don’t know if that’s available in every state. Foster care is still incredibly hard work, emotionally and physically, and is not a choice to be made lightly. It is also not a “better” choice than a fulfilling carreer and life that happens to be entirely child free. It is a choice most people don’t consider, though, and thus worth bringing up.

  2. Thanks very much for making this point. It wouldn’t work for us personally, as we live in a one-bedroom apartment where I work. But it is a great idea and I appreciate your mentioning it.

  3. It’s too bad your whole article is about justifying the fact of being childfree. I’m childfree and proud of it ! Thank goodness, I have no history of mental or genetic disease in my family. My lifestyle choice is not a negative one, but it’s positive, I made this choise because of positive reasons, and I didn’t for one moment feel I was depriving myself of something, on the contrary ! I deeply resent the fact that people expect the childfree to have “good reasons” to “explain” their choice. Why should I ? I don’t like the burden of children or their company and that’s it. Why should I have to invent some stupid excuse to explain away the choice that I’m proud of because some people feel uncomfortable with it ? It’s people who reproduce who should explain why they chose to ad to the burden of overpopulation, certainly not us ! Come to think of it, when people ask me “Why don’t you have children ?” and I answer back “And why did you have them ?”, they are so taken aback with my question that it’s obvious no one had ever asked them before … what worries me most is that they never seem to have asked THEMSELVES this question before they went and bred …

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