broadsideblog

Divorcing? There's An App For That — But Are Guys Now Oversharing?

In business, Media, men on June 22, 2010 at 4:28 pm
Un divorce heureux

A happy divorce? Must be a movie...Image via Wikipedia

Getting divorced? Beware of overshare!

Here’s a Village Voice post on the issue:

The fact remains that regardless of scale (Time vs. Tumblr), it’s peculiar and makes a splash when adult men play this game. Maybe it comes from our own generational or technological biases. Our fathers didn’t grow up with feelings to be shared, let alone computers. Men shouldn’t whine or feel pain and they certainly shouldn’t fucking cry, according to left-over cultural expectations lodged in the heads of even social progressives, feminists, children of the liberal arts. And there’s a certain self-consciousness that comes with being a male online. Where have all the cowboys gone? What would our grandfathers think of us, pining for a partner or “Why me-ing?” about health concerns to strangers? And who do we look to for proper example? There are only so many words written by Dan Savage, and we’ve been told to avoid Tucker Max. I don’t have the answers.

“We’re learning how to draw the line” between extremes when it comes to oversharing, Johnson concluded in Time, “and it’s a line that each of us will draw in different ways.” For adult males, the line seems extra shaky, probably drawn lightly, in pencil. Examples are spare, critics come from every angle. Maybe it’s the job of boys then, growing up online, to become men in public, feelings and all, examples on the internet. It’s cheaper than therapy, but maybe we need both.”

And from True/Slant writer Elie Mystal at abovethelaw.com, about the new app to help you calculate the potential cost of ditching your spouse:

You can see where this is going. There will always be the high-level, contentious divorces between wealthy individuals that will require the expert advice of counsel. But a lot of divorces just involve two people who didn’t take “until death do we part” very seriously. Why should they have to hire expensive lawyers? Just upload your tax returns and pictures of the homewrecking hussy onto your phone, and bang, you’ve got yourself an iDivorce.

It could happen, which makes you wonder: What kind of person would start the lawyer haterade flowing? An attorney, of course.

I got divorced in 1995 and the only reason it was affordable was having a pre-nuptial agreement in place that laid it all out in advance. My lawyer, then, charged $350/hour and $50 for a phone call. I finally told him I couldn’t even afford to talk to him (fairly crucial) and he capped his fee.

I think an app giving you some idea how much it will cost to end a marriage is fair. Talk about sticker shock! I only had some idea because I’d hired the same lawyer to do my pre-nup and build right into it a few grand for his divorce fees. Most people spend  lot more time, energy and attention to cupcakes versus wedding cake — and have no clue what undoing the marital duo can cost. A little knowledge is worth a lot down the road.

Besides, who exactly is going to have the information you now need? Your divorced friends likely fall into a few typical categories:

1) burned, bitter, don’t want to talk about it (male version) 2) female version 3) starting the process and still hopeful for “victory” however they envision it 4) halfway through an embattled divorce and bleeding money and wondering if it would have been cheaper to just gut it out and stay together 5) freshly done and wounded 6) freshly done and on the market, baby! They know, or soon learn, that *any* discussion of “that greedy bitch” or “that lying SOB” is likely to ensure that a first date is a last date.

Someone calm, lucid and knowedgable? That would be….a divorce attorney.

If you think a wedding is expensive….

  1. Thank the gods neither of my divorces cost more than a few hundred dollars. They were both non-contested, one because he was in prison and couldn’t contest, and the other because he just knew better. I have seen the ugliness that can happen, and I never want that to be me. I’m gunshy now, I’ll fully admit it, but I can’t say that I’m turned off to marriage totally. It has taught me what to look for, certainly, both in a man, but most importantly, in myself.

    I do tend to think people overshare. When I was asked why I got divorced the first time, I’m more than happy to tell people what a scumbag he was, because he was. I feel it served as a warning to others who knew him. The second time? I was the bigger man and just said that we didn’t get along. He on the other hand, well let’s just say that there are still people, nearly 4 years later, who get an earful from him everytime they mention my name. Yeah, overshare.

  2. The best way to wreak vengeance — for a writer — is to turn it all into (not overshared) material; I won my National Magazine Award for writing about my divorce and even then the editors had to take out a lot of anger to make it as good it ened up being.

    I think if you take marriage seriously, as I did, it is deeply painful and embarrassing when your marriage ends — or “fails” as the word implies. Someone, or both people, failed at the task. But beating it to death serves no purpose. Do some therapy and figure out what went wrong, then fix it!

    I’ve been with the sweetie for 10 years and engaged to him for seven of those. In no rush back to the altar.

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