You’re too damn fat to get lucky, according to this website.
The global community, which allows users to decide whether prospective candidates have got the necessary aesthetic appeal to join them, has just expelled more than 5,000 members for letting themselves go over the festive period.
BeautifulPeople.com said its hand had been forced by gluttonous members in the US, UK and Canada who had revealed the scale of their yuletide overindulgence in pictures posted online.
“Vigilant” fellow members, it added, had demanded action. “As a business, we mourn the loss of any member,” said the site’s founder, Robert Hintze. “But the fact remains that our members demand the high standard of beauty be upheld.”
To dispel any lingering doubts about the company’s position, he added: “Letting fatties roam the site is a direct threat to our business model and the very concept for which BeautifulPeople.com was founded.”
The site’s managing director, Greg Hodge, pointed out that the fate of the exiled “chubby members” had been democratically decided. “Their re-applications were reviewed by existing members and only a few hundred were voted back in,” he said. “Over 5,000 were rejected.”
Hodge blamed the slipping seasonal standards on decadent western traditions. “Every year we see that some of our members from western cultures eat and drink to excess over the holidays and clearly their looks suffer. In the UK and Canada, Christmas and the new year are all about over-eating, over-drinking and watching TV on the sofa.”
The US, he added, appeared particularly prone to winter greediness. “The USA has been grossly over-indulging since thanksgiving – it’s no wonder that so many members have been expelled from the network. We hope they will be back after shedding the festive pounds.”
According to the site, however, managers have been kind in breaking the news to former members. Each is said to have received an email encouraging them to re-apply when they are back to looking their best. They have also been sent details of recommended boot camps.
Although the US topped the list of expulsions, with 1,520 members sent off, the UK came second, with 832 of its residents judged too fat to fit in. Canada was placed third, followed by Poland, Germany, Italy, France, Denmark, Turkey and Russia.
Yeah, baby. None of of that hideous, fleshy self-indulgence allowed! All that hot chocolate and candy canes and….what were we thinking? Pleasure?! OMG.
Let the skinny-gorgeous-perfect crowd keep their boundaries high. The rest of us will be out here, sucking back a consolatory single-malt, munching a few cashews and hugging our less-judgmental honeys.