Life at the moment

By Caitlin Kelly

This is a hasty post.

I have been very frustrated of late at the handful of views this blog now gets — unless I also put it on Facebook and Twitter.

Is it that boring?

WordPress tells me 23,000 people follow it and I am appreciative of the loyal band who does show up to read and comment.

Anyway…life for now:

Torrential rain has hit our area — affecting 23 million people. The subways of New York — an essential service — and even the buses! — have been flooded. Streets are impassable. Even the commuter rail system shut for a while. Any climate deniers remaining are absolute ostriches. I moved here in 1989 and have never seen weather like this.

I have a severely arthritic right hip that, until the past two weeks, has really been destroying my quality of life. There have been days I can barely walk and leave the gym in tears of pain. Now, for no reason I can fathom, I am walking almost normally. It is an enormous relief to not be in pain every day for months!

I tutor a teenager in French, a new venture for us both. One of my blog friends in England shared a great BBC site of lesson plans, so we’re using that, conversing and doing some dictations.

I go to a weekly French conversation group at a local library for an hour, then an hour of Spanish after that. Whew! My brain is very tired at the end, but it’s such an easy way to get out of the apartment, free, and have lively chats. One of the women in the French group told us she’d celebrated her 75th birthday by riding an elephant.

Mahjong is a game of tiles that I associate with ladies wearing cat’s eye glasses and bright caftans. Now I am edging my way into it as well, thanks to some neighbors in the building who ask me to join their group from time to time.

I’m still writing for The New York Times, now on my third personal finance story this year for them. I have a second session scheduled this coming week with a global PR agency who hires me to review pitches to journalists that failed to get traction and discuss how they might have worked better. I’m very glad of the income.

I also still coach other writers at an hourly fee; here’s the link. One of my clients recently sold a story we worked on to the Washington Post, a much-coveted outlet for ambitious writers. Another was delighted to find an outlet for a story he had had difficulty placing — and our session was much enhanced by the presence of his tiny perfect hedgehog!

Two great bits of news — we paid off our mortgage! Now we own our apartment outright.

And we leave soon for four days ‘ vacation at a Quebec resort we love, then five days renting a house in Vermont, a state I love and haven’t been back to in decades. October is the perfect time for both. My husband works so hard at his three freelance jobs and we need time off the computer and away from home, which is also our workspace. Can’t wait!

En garde! Olympics fencing is the best!

By Caitlin Kelly

I know…who even watches fencing?

Too fast?

No one does it. It’s deemed an elite sport.

Oh, the French do!

As someone who was nationally ranked for four years as a saber fencer in my 30s, with Steve Mormando, a former two-time Olympian as my coach, I’ve loved seeing the world’s best match up at the Grand Palais, its enormous windows shaded with fabric, its stands full to bursting with fans. It was so cool to watch competitors walk down the Palais’ wide staircase to reach the strip.

The commentators were super knowledgable and I learned a lot. There was much referring to the video for the judges to determine the winner of each touch as the game is so so fast. In saber, the body above the hips, including head, is target — in foil, just the front of the body and in epee everything from head to feet. Saber is based on cavalry fighting, so the hips would have been target when someone was fighting on horseback and the legs difficult to reach.

The three weapons are all so different they tend to attract different personalities. I don’t have the patience for foil and epee and loved saber — but it can hurt and leave bruises when that thin metal blade whips against your arm or shoulder. Women slide small metal breast protectors inside our vests — and they end up covered with dents and scratches.

One of my medals

It’s been such a pleasure to see some unlikely wins — like Canada winning a bronze. We’re not known for this sport! It’s always been dominated by Hungary, France, Italy…you know, all those countries where dueling lasted a while. I watched Iran play against France (France won.) A young woman from Queens, New York, Lauren Scruggs also took home a bronze. Huge! And the U.S, foil team took their first medal.

Anyway, I hope some of you had a chance to watch my beloved sport.

Estrangement is still a contentious issue

She was a glamourpuss!

By Caitlin Kelly

It’s one I know very intimately.

I have a half-brother 23 years younger, a father of 4 year old twins I will never meet, who has refused any overtures I made when they were born, and has been this way since his mother, my late stepmother, died 17 years ago. She died a horrible death at 63 of lung cancer after decades of smoking. She and I had a difficult relationship, one her son never acknowledged, so it’s all my fault.

My mother and I were estranged for the final decade of her life. I was her only child. We were both stubborn. We were also both worn out with trying — she was alcoholic and in poor health and socially isolated by choice.

A recent New York Times piece raised the issue again:

There is so little quantitative data about estrangement that it is difficult to say whether it is increasing. Karl Pillemer, a Cornell sociologist who conducted the first large-scale survey on the subject, found that 27 percent of respondents reported being estranged from a relative, which works out to around 67 million people nationally. Research suggests that it is relatively common for people in their 20s to estrange themselves from a parent, more often a father, and that usually the rift is not permanent.

But promotion of estrangement as a therapeutic step is clearly on the rise, thanks mainly to social media. TikTok is coursing with first-person accounts from users who say cutoffs vastly improved their well-being. There is an expanding canon of self-help books on the subject, from “The Christian’s Guide to No Contact” to “Set Boundaries, Find Peace.“

Yet whenever the topic comes up in the media, some people with loving, supportive intact families howl in indignation — but she’s your mother! We’re trying to describe a level of dysfunction, exhaustion and mutual frustration they literally cannot imagine. Lucky them!

The only reply we give them is this: you weren’t there. You have no idea. Some of us who choose to go no-contact have spent years or decades sacrificing our own peace of mind to maintain the public illusion everything’s just fine, when it very much is not. It might be emotional abuse, indifference, neglect, alcohol or substance abuse, workaholism, favoring a new family over the inconveniently existing prior one. Maybe several of these!

We all have only so much time in a life and can only try and try and try — and then say no: I’m done.

My story for the Times about estranged grief received many comments; at last count, 1,300. My mother died Feb. 15, 2020 in a nursing home in Victoria, B.C. I didn’t cry then. I haven’t cried much since.

Oooooh, we were competitive!

I do miss the woman who was funny as hell, beautiful, Mensa smart, a world traveler, creative, a volunteer hospital chaplain.

I loved some elements of our travels in Peru, Colombia, Mexico, Fiji and Costa Rica. We had some wild adventures! I would never have made those journeys alone.

But too often I lost her to alcoholism.

She was never a person who craved emotional intimacy, with me or many others. After leaving my father when she was 30, she never remarried or had long affairs.

Estrangement may always remain a difficult topic, but it sure hits home for millions.

Are you estranged from anyone in your family?

How is it for you?

Being a mentor/mentee

By Caitlin Kelly

Mid-20s. Scared to death!

I never had a mentor!

Jose, my husband, found one very early in his career and they are still, decades later, very good friends.

But I know it can be super helpful to have one, and so I signed up a year ago through Report for America, which places young journalists into regional newsrooms and pairs them with, what, they hope, is a good match as a mentor, whose commitment is multi-year but we’re only asked to meet up a few times a quarter or so.

I started working with one young woman in May 2023 whose situation was truly terrible, so our energies were more devoted to keeping her calm as we figured out her exit strategy. We’re still in fairly frequent touch as we try to find her a new, permanent job in the industry. Ours was a good fit from the start and we’ve since even written letters of recommendation for one another as we have gotten to know each other well. I have so admired her resilience and sense of humor.

My next match was not a good one, ever. It was a useful lesson that you can’t tell initially if it’s you or them or just poor chemistry. After six frustrating months, we mutually agreed to to end it.

I now have a new mentee, with whom I have a lot more in common, which has me feeling more confident going forward. Our initial conversation was easy and comfortable, and she’s already asked me to have another, so I already feel I might be more useful.

As readers here know, I don’t have kids or nephews or nieces so I especially value relationships with younger people and the feeling I can share some of my skills and insights, especially with new journalists navigating this chaotic, underpaid industry. So many of them burn out within a few years, and I can see why. My goal, always, is helping them succeed — not just staying in a toxic newsroom. Much as I’ve survived a few of those myself, no one should stick around for abuse.

Interestingly, most of my conversations with mentees haven’t touched on the actual mechanics of reporting or writing, but their broader challenges of navigating sexism, chauvinism or sharp-elbowed competition — some things never change!

Have you been a mentor?

A mentee?

How did it turn out?

Heart’s desire

Big Sur, Calfornia, June 2022. My dream for decades!

By Caitlin Kelly

It’s such a powerful moment when — if — we finally achieve our heart’s desire. Maybe we have several, and they probably change over the years. Mine, beginning in my 20s, was to write a book and have it well published and well-reviewed. That happened in my mid 40s. It doesn’t always share your timetable!

I had long dreamed of a month-long solo driving trip through California — which I did in June 2022. It was spectacular and an amazingly happy time. I caught up with 11 friends along the way, from Santa Rosa in the north to L.A. in the south. I scored some finds at the Santa Monica airport flea market and discovered a Russian fort in the north. It all reminded me of Mexico, a place I love.

It’s such a satisfying feeling to finally achieve something you have dreamed of for so long.

I found out this week a friend, a writing colleague who had been in a truly lonely and unhappy marriage, heading into her late 30s and desperately wanting to have a child, is due to have a boy in September with her new partner. I am so thrilled for her. This was, more than anything, her heart’s desire — and it seemed unlikely for a woman running a small farm alone in rural Tennessee to quickly find a new partner and become a parent. But it happened and I couldn’t be happier for her.

My heart’s desire, for decades, has been to retire to France. I speak fluent French, have traveled much of the country and chose a region — the Var — I thought attractive and affordable on our smaller budget. (There are even more affordable places, but weather is always a factor as well.)

Now….not sure. The recent French elections, with maps available showing which areas voted hard right, make clear how little of the country is now headed in that direction. Add in climate change and I don’t know anymore, even though I get daily real estate listings from there and look at each of them very carefully. Is an apartment in a charming small town perfect? A small house in the countryside? A modern apartment with a view of the Mediterranean?

The pleasant irony is even having these choices — when I also look at houses for sale in Ontario, Canada, where most of my oldest friends still live and will likely stay. For the same amount of money as these gorgeous French properties, there’s very very little I find appealing. The homes we can afford are in towns with zero appeal, or need $50,000 minimum to renovate/redecorate and I and my husband don’t have the time, energy or skills to become our own general contractors.

Yet almost every single French property has a kitchen and bathroom already done in attractive tile, handsome tile floors, a modern sink and faucets — stunning and simple designs. The Ontario homes in our price range? Not a chance.

So what now is my heart’s desire?

More than anything, a new right hip.

We are finally, after a six month wait, seeing a second surgeon next week. I can now barely walk across a room without pain or discomfort. I can’t go outdoors in nature for a long walk or join my softball team of 20+ years for a game. It hurts to bend down to tie my shoes or pick up something from the floor. It’s misery.

And yet, because I’m stubborn and need something to look forward to, I’m flying alone to London for six days in September, my first visit back since July 2017. I’ll spend a fortune on Ubers. I already have ticket to see Hamilton with a friend and ballet on my own and five museum shows I’ll crutch around to enjoy.

Between this summer’s oppressive heat, 24/7 pain and the current American political scene, I need something joyful to anticipate!

Do you have a heart’s desire?

Have you achieved it?

Mid-summer zhuzh!

The winter duvet cover off for a summer break!

By Caitlin Kelly

Nope. Not getting into dreary politics…drowning in it and all it adds is anxiety.

One of my favorite activities is wandering through antique stores and flea markets…sadly, my favorite three-story consignment shop shut down. I found such great things there, like a repro Pembroke table for $350 that fits our room perfectly.

I know everyone is buying from Amazon and Target, so I won’t make suggestions only because I never shop from them. I hate Amazon’s labor policies and, being on crutches, the idea of wandering store aisles is too grim!

A few ways to zhuzh:

Fresh linens

I love these French tea towels; great quality, gorgeous colors. They’re $28 each but last well and you can match almost any color imaginable. I visited a friend’s cottage two years ago and this was my gift to her — much appreciated!

This crisp blue and white pillowcase...instant beach!

More pretty blue and white — 2 standard pillowcases for $19. Mixing and matching patterns, in the same color family and scale, is so nice!

Crisp navy and white throw; half price at $99. Add this to a fresh white bed — perfect for naps! We bought a waffle cotton throw in Paris maybe seven years ago, use it daily, and love it.

And…more blue and white, stripes, a bath towel for $39.50 from Zara Home.

Linen is so lovely — these pillow covers from an Etsty seller come in every possible size; an 18x 18 inch is only $28.

Wow. JUMP! Love this 3 by 5 foot rug in cream and black. Very few left, $82.00.

Not cheap at $219 but a stunning throw in brown and cream.

Flowers

Always. Even if, like us, all you have is a small selection of potted flowers on a balcony, you can clip a few blossoms for the bedside, in a little vase like this one in soft purple, $37.50, or this trio in yellow, orange and green, $36.

This 18th century teapot (you can tell by its shape, especially the handle and spout) was $3.50 in a junk shop.

If it had a lid, might be worth $1,000. Nice for flowers!

We splurge once a week, even from the grocery store, and fill our vases and teapots with color; collecting nice ones over the years has given us a good selection, from a silver-plate repro Paul Revere teapot to a pale pink ceramic vase I bought in Newport, RI on a visit last year. Having floral foam and metal or glass floral frogs (studded bases that hold stems) gives you many more options.

A pretty tray

We have four: a deep, small pale orange one, a larger green plastic one, a deep antique wooden one (more elegant) and a large, deep lovely purple-edged one I bought at the New York Botanical Garden. Excellent for breakfast in bed or lugging things to and from the garden or dinner table.

I love this one, (OK not cheap, but a healthy discount for a classic look). $139. Large enough and deep enough to be practical. Its pale color will go anywhere,

Accessories

I love this crisp green notebook — for writing down all the summer fun you don’t want to forget! $12.50

I’ve long loved this classic French bistro look, with its crisp black lettering — use these small dishes for butter or jam or olive oil or jewelry…six for $76.50

I recently bought these shades for our bedside lamps and love them; light and fresh, $160 for two, they completely changed the look of the room.

And these are simply amazing –– we have two of these small rechargeable lamps in white. Light, portable, they take up a tiny amount of table space…perfect indoors and out, we’ve seen them at a friend’s home in NYC and our usual Montreal Hotel. $128

The less amusing stuff:

Dust! Doors and windows are open all summer and kids/pets/guests can track in more.

Polishing — same.

Air conditioner filters. If you have them (we do), remove them every few days and make sure they’re free of dust.

We take up our heavy, dark-colored rugs every summer and get them professionally cleaned. We keep a pale gray cotton rug beneath and add pale gray and white gingham check throw pillows to the silver velvet sofa. Fresh, light, an easy new look!

Same for our duvet and duvet cover, switching to lighter cotton blankets.

Take a hard look around — what can you ditch/store/sell/donate? What needs a fresh coat of paint or a new color? What could use refinishing?

It’s so easy to just keep living the same way, month after month. Summer’s longer, brighter days give us more time to really look hard at every room and everything it. Is it worn? Need replacing or cleaning? We’ve got flooring guys coming next week to give us a cost estimate to re-do our (small) sitting room and (gulp) 12 by 24 foot living room. The latter will be expensive and a nightmare to move three large and heavy armoires, and a bookcase and…but it’s been a long long time since we did it last and it will make a huge difference.

Home is where we recharge and rest, nap and dream, entertain and chill out.

A clean, organized lovely space is a gift to yourself and everyone who enters.

What does a “beta reader” do?

By Caitlin Kelly

Long before an agent or editor sees a book proposal or the commissioned book itself, almost every author has relied on their beta readers — people whose skills, experience, taste and judgment they trust to read it carefully. I’ve done it for friends and they have done it for me. It’s an essential part of publishing because we all have blind spots and habits and weaknesses and obsessions other readers won’t have!

I recently read a friend’s latest book (unpublished), a sort of horror/sci-fi/thriller — none of which are really my specialty. I was nervous. What if I hated it? What could I say? I knew he’s a talented and imaginative career writer and has an MFA, so he knows his craft.

But I really enjoyed it and raced through it to the final page, making only minor copy editing notes. I later sent over some additional thoughts. I know it’s a real sign of trust to ask someone for their candid reactions to your work.

I live in awe of novelists who make it all up; as a journalist I always need a scaffolding of facts and figures.

Have you been a beta reader or relied on one?

What makes a leader? They inspire others

By Caitlin Kelly

So often, we hear the word “leader” in a religious or political context, usually someone in authority with lots of power over lots of people, often an older white man.

I think of a leader very differently, someone like the late Martin Luther King, who we all know led a social justice movement or Cesar Chavez, working to better the life of farmworkers. Someone who inspires others to follow their lead and urges others to do so as well — for the greater good.

To me, the most compelling leaders see a formerly invisible or unfilled need and step up to help others with it.

One of my journalism idols is Nobel winner Maria Ressa, co-winner of the 2021 Peace Prize. I find her courage and commitment to journalism so inspiring.

I belong to several online writers’ groups, some of which are mutually helpful, generous and supportive — and some which have torn apart in rage and bitterness. Such is social media, sometimes not so social!

But one member of one group has created an online meeting twice a month where we gather to talk about money: how to make more, how to save more, how to ask for more, how to invest. We’re all freelancers, so we also have precarity in common when it comes to incomes that often arrive later than wanted and needed. I’ve been struck by the fact only women show up, even though it’s open to anyone in that larger group. Men have no money issues? Or maybe no one dares admit to having any.

I’m so grateful to her for thinking this up and making it a welcoming hour we all look forward to. By doing so, she has also created community, something so lacking for many of us now.

That’s leadership in my book!

Selfishly, I also took the lead last year in creating a new $1,000 annual award at my Toronto high school for creativity. That’s a big number for me to commit to, but it’s also a good chunk of change for many teenagers. What happened next moved me and surprised me; four others from my graduating class immediately stepped up and offered to share that cost, made easy thanks to a well-designed website by the Toronto District School Board, and the help of the school’s guidance counselor and teachers, who nominate the finalists.

I wrote about it for my old newspaper, called it microphilanthropy, and it prompted others to think of doing the same.

Score!

Here’s the piece I wrote.

Have you created a leadership role for yourself?

Define “family”

My late mother and me, years ago

By Caitlin Kelly

I had never before seen 20 people related to one another in one place. We lined two long tables at a very good restaurant in Peterborough, Ontario, gathered to celebrate my best friend’s mother’s memorial. Her relatives had flown in from distant BC and Alberta and there was so much chair-switching as everyone caught up.

It was glorious!

Over the next three days, I got to know some of them, and had some really wonderful conversations with her three adult daughters, two of whom I had never even met, with an aunt, with her brother-in-law, with cousins and aunties and other family friends. I had never, anywhere, felt so welcomed by people I was just meeting.

But I was, to my surprise, also well known as my pal’s long-time friend. “Oh, you’re Caitlin!” said one.

It was a really moving experience to see how very well-loved my pal’s mother was and to learn so much of her history, and of her indigenous roots.

Monday morning I went to visit my 95 year old father, whose birthday was the next day. It was just him and me in an empty retirement home dining room, a noisy cart rattling by.

We spent two hours chatting, mostly — as we do — about politics, a safe subject for us both.

But I know his death won’t fill a church with loving, grieving friends, neighbors and relatives. He is not a social person and there might be perhaps four or five people who would care enough to celebrate him. His four adult children? Maybe two of us, maybe three.

And yet, ironically, he was someone very known and respected professionally as a Canadian film-maker; this is is his Wikipedia entry.

My mother died far away from me, in a BC nursing home, and was cremated with no ceremony or farewell. Like my father, she was very much a loner, and her closest friends lived very far away in Australia and New Mexico and England. Even I had wanted to find some way to celebrate her, she died Feb. 15, 2020, just as COVID began and I could not even return to Canada for a year.

It’s all a sad and sobering reminder what family can be, and often isn’t.

The writing life, recently

By Caitlin Kelly

Just kidding! Loved this item at the sailing museum in Newport, RI

I’ve been writing for a living since university, so selling another story is pleasant — income! — but not hugely exciting. I did just do my first for AARP magazine, which is mailed to the group’s 38 million (!?) members. That’s about the population of my native Canada. Having met one of the editors in New York for a coffee, I learned a lot about the magazine, like how people in their 60s, 70s and 80s each get a slightly different version tailored to their age and interests. The story, which should be in the September issue, is about music.

My most recent New York Times story, about young widows and widowers, was a painful one to work on, although the people I spoke to were happy to do it and thanked me for bringing their issues to wider attention. I felt sure that story would draw a lot of reader comments — but there were no comments allowed. When I asked my editor why, he told me some internal group makes those decisions. Just one more frustrating example that a freelancer can pour their heart and soul into a piece, knowing it has wide appeal — yet has no chance to see its effect or even to have a say. To give you a sense of how the place works, my story went through three (four?) different copy editors, each of whom added their own new questions, each of which I had to answer. We’re only paid one set fee for every story (no bump in pay in 30 years), and every additional minute spent after we’re done writing — that’s on us.

I’ve been working with Matt Potter, a Twitter friend of six years near London, who’s become a business partner as we create classes and webinars aimed at fellow freelance writers. Matt’s quirky and creative and super smart, and we spend a lot of time via Zoom or Google Meets planning our strategies and marketing. We usually chat for an hour or more each week to brainstorm and spend some time just being social — and we have yet to meet in the same physical place! I’m taking a solo trip back to London in early September (can’t wait!), my first since July 2017. Looking forward to actually seeing him in person.

After seven years, I decided, partly due to this growing business, to refresh my website. I thought, maybe $2,000. Hah! Closer to $5,000 for a total re-do. I’m excited to see what the designers come up with as I loved their initial work for me; the firm is Bizango, based in Seattle. I’m doing a lot less writing now than ever before and my site needs to show that transition to classes, webinars and coaching.

Why less writing? Today’s pay rates today are often so shockingly low — we’re routinely offered $150-300, maybe $500 — for work that would have paid much more when there were more magazines to sell to. I haven’t gotten a pay boost from the Times in 30 years and know there’s no point in asking — people would be thrilled to write for them without any payment at all. It’s worth to me because it shows the quality of my best work for tough editors for a massive global audience. I also enjoy it. There are some places that pay $2/word (standard back in the day of glossy magazines) but they are rarer and harder to break into.

I’ve been coaching individual clients worldwide for years, from Edinburgh to California to Australia. I love the variety of people I help, from 20s to 60s, working on essays, pitches, book ideas, whatever they need. It’s intense work as my job is to listen very carefully and offer my best advice. Very rarely, I turn away someone who seems unrealistic or unwilling to do the work it can require to meet their goals; one client was willing to do three separate sessions (a serious investment of cash) but we got her pitch sold to her dream publication — as several have done. I was thrilled!

As always, I try to read and listen widely, balancing the time I need for sleep, friends, marriage, exercise, fun and reading for pure pleasure. I need to stay up to speed with what’s happening in the world but also what’s been already published by any editor I hope to pitch. The big amateur mistake is failing to read their magazine/website and plunge ahead anyway.

I’m leaving tomorrow for a visit back to my native Ontario — my birthday is June 6 . I’m also attending a friend’s mother’s memorial so it’s a highly social few days.

Leaving my laptop for a break!

Signs of summer

Jose in his seersucker suit!

By Caitlin Kelly

Finally!

The slam of a screen door

The gurgle of a paddle through lake water

The clanging of sailboat halyards against metal masts

The thrum of a motorboat

The whizzz of your bike wheels

The clink of ice in a tall glass of tea or lemonade

The roar of a crowd at an outdoor concert

The smell of suntan lotion

The delicious feel of a breeze

Pretty sundresses

Sailing!

Canoeing!

Kayaking!

Lounging by a pool

Plunging into a chilly lake (safely!)

The scent of fresh-cut grass

All the watermelon and corn — and fresh herbs from your garden

Gardens in glorious bloom

No school!

Road trips

Longer lighter days — dusk at 8 or 9 or even 10:00 p.m.

Loose floaty dresses

A fresh pedicure

Juicy peaches and tomatoes

Beach afternoons

Grilling dinner

Our balcony set-up

Our treetop balcony — 72 square feet of added space!

Living in a T-shirt and shorts

Gently blowing fans

Putting away the duvet and heavy blankets

Garden cuttings in vases in every room

Making sun tea

A new pair of sandals (Jose and I love our Birks; Arizonas for him, Madrids for me)

Switching out dark, heavy cushions/art for lighter things

Snoozing in a hammock

The Newport RI sailing museum — I miss crewing!