Moving across borders for love

By Caitlin Kelly

I fell in love in September 1986 when I opened my downtown Montreal apartment door to a tall, bearded, blue-eyed medical student from New Jersey, whose name, (which I won’t reveal) is shared with a cocktail. (No, not Tom Collins!)

But the week before we met, and we were soon seriously discussing marriage — a first, for me — he had accepted a four-year residency position in New Hampshire, a 3.5 drive south.

Statue of Liberty National Monument, Ellis Isl...
Statue of Liberty National Monument, Ellis Island and Liberty Island, Manhattan, in New York County (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Oh, and in another country.

I was extremely lucky. As the unmarried child of an American citizen, my mother, I was able to get a green card quickly and easily and move to the United States legally to join him. Even more unlikely, I found a three-month, well-paid journalism job in the  same small town as his program.

English: the forests in new hampshire in autumn
English: the forests in new hampshire in autumn (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

But after it ended, reality hit. Hard.

I had no friends, family, income, history or job prospects. He was rarely home, and when he was home was exhausted and grouchy. The huge gang of lovely friends he’d made in Montreal? Gone and not replaced with anyone new.

Instead, homesick and bored, I commuted those 3.5 hours north every Monday for three months to teach journalism back in Montreal.

After 18 months of miserable, lonely, broke, isolated and career-threatening rural life, we moved to suburban New York.

We married three years later — and he walked out two years after that.

Anyone who moves to a foreign country for love takes an incredible leap into the unknown.

I know that several Broadside readers have, or are about to, done this. I also know it’s worked out well for two of them, and I have my fingers tightly crossed for Ashana.

But good Lord it’s scary!

Maybe not for other people.

It was for me. I remember, as if it was yesterday, feeling like a raindrop falling into the ocean. At 30, I was leaving a country in which I’d built a good national reputation as a journalist. I was leaving behind dear friends, a culture I knew intimately and liberal social and political values I mostly shared.

I was leaving behind a country whose entire population is that of New York State, barely 10 percent of the United States. How could I ever re-establish an identity or a career?

Seal of New York.
Seal of New York. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Before I married the first time, (worried on several counts), I consulted a local lawyer — $350/hour in 1992 — to ask what, if anything, I would get in alimony or support if we divorced. Zip! Nada! Rien!

Wow. Since I was very far from home and wasn’t working and didn’t have a place to run back to in case…

Good thing I asked, and demanded a pre-nuptial agreement that allowed me to stay in my home and re-establish myself financially after two years of not working.

Had I not made that scary cross-border leap, I would not have published two books on complex national American issues, written 100+ stories for The New York Times, met my lovely second husband or enjoyed my river-view apartment.

But…it’s been quite a bumpy ride. I’m lucky I still have dear friends back in Toronto and other parts of Canada I’m in close touch with, and visit a few times a year. I am rarely homesick, but I do miss some cultural touchstones and a shared history.

I also still struggle mightily with the power here of the religious right, their relentless assault on women’s reproductive freedoms and laissez-faire American capitalism, which enriches so many so effectively — and buries millions more in low-wage jobs and medical fear and debt.

Have you changed countries for love?

Would you?

How has it turned out?

Female Diplomats' Challenge — The 'Trailing Spouse': One, Who Left The NYT, Speaks Out From Mozambique

View of a market in Maputo, Mozambique
A Maputo marketplace. Image via Wikipedia

One of my fantasy careers — until I totally flunked Canada’s Foreign Service Exam — was working overseas as a diplomat. I love to travel and explore new cultures, but it quickly became clear to me that the life demands tremendous commitment to a larger set of goals, not your own agenda of seeing the world.

One of the many challenges, especially for women serving in these essential roles, is that of finding a partner both willing and able to table or shelve his own career ambitions to follow the demands of your new employer. So I read with interest this great piece in the Financial Times what life was like for Britain’s first female foreign service employees.

Then I remembered I actually know a “trailing spouse” and asked if he’d be willing to share some of his life with us. I’m delighted that he agreed; his answers to my many questions are below.

Michael Barrientos started out as a photo editor for The New York Times, which is how I know him. He and his wife are heading back to D.C. soon for two years, awaiting their next posting. I have always wondered what it’s like to be(come) the trailing spouse and know that many ambitious women with global careers and ambitions face these issues as well.

As you might imagine, it requires tremendous flexibility and grace to manage a marriage, two careers and kids while moving from one unfamiliar nation and culture to the next. Thank heaven for such men!

Many thanks to Michael for his time and candor…

I’m a professional photographer and photo editor, age 41, born in Compton, California and grew up in Paramount (Long Beach area in Los Angeles County.)  I graduated from Cal State Fullerton with a degree in communications.  I became interested in photography late in college and did a photo internship at the Pasadena Star-News in my final year of college.  In 1993 I took my first newspaper job as a staff writer at the Porterville Recorder, a small daily newspaper in the San Joaquin Valley.  I was asked to be a full-time photographer by the executive editor after I did a number of photo essays.  A new position was added for me.

I was drawn to photography in my first photojournalism class which I admittedly took as what I thought would be an easy elective.  The turning point came during a class trip to the National Press Photographer Association’s flying short course when I saw Donna Ferrato and several other documentary photographers.  I changed my concentration.

After my time in Central California, I moved to the U.S./Mexico border to take a job in McAllen, Texas.  I worked as a staff photographer for the Monitor newspaper.  I left the paper to study Spanish in Guanajuato, Mexico.  I began freelancing for the AP and moved to San Antonio where I worked for the San Antonio Express-News.  After that, I took a job at the Sarasota Herald-Tribune in Florida, a New York Times newspaper.  I spent six years there:  three as a staff photographer and three as deputy director of photography.  I then went to The New York Times.

Neither my family nor I had any foreign service family or background.  My parents were blue-collar:  my father is a retired truck driver and union activist, and my mother continues working as a hair dresser, an admission clerk at Kaiser Permanente in Los Angeles, and a longshoreman.  My only preparation was occasional family trip to Tijuana.   The transient lifestyle of journalism, however, made it a good fit.  My background moving around the country working at newspapers or on assignment, particularly during my time on the U.S./Mexico border, along with personal travel helped.

This is my wife, Sarah’s, third posting.  She served her first post in Algiers when I was still at the Times. Her second post was Lisbon, where I first joined her after our first child Thomas,  4, was born in Washington, D.C.  Our second son, Charles, 2, was born in Lisbon.

Preparation is not required for spouses but there is training, classes and other resources available for any family member interested.  I learned Portuguese and took other university-level courses at the Foreign Service Institute in Arlington, Virginia.  You are given security briefings about the countries you go to in preparation for a posting.  The State Department makes an effort to make trailing spouses satisfied with jobs and activities.  The training I have received was invaluable.  The State Department’s Foreign Service Institute was an invaluable experience with their famous language training.

The toughest challenge has been leaving my job and career.  I really loved working at The New York Times. I had the highest regard for the newspaper, what we did, the people I worked with, and hated to step away.

We had a lot of conflict early on.  I was resentful about leaving a job that I deeply enjoyed and was very satisfied in.  It was a hard transition to becoming an instant stay-at-home father and trailing spouse.  Gradually, I have adapted and gotten used to it.  I had been in newspapers for so long that it was tough to get used to being out of the industry.   There were a number of issues at play, such as Mexican-American family pressure and lack of full support of my decision to step away from my career.

I had told my wife that I would open to joining her at some point overseas, but I honestly never expected that we would come to that point and especially not so soon or abruptly.  Cultural differences were at play.  My experience with my own mother, my three sisters and extended family was that women left their jobs especially when a baby came along.  Yet, I have been a big supporter of women’s rights and have been a mentor to women photojournalists.  I was active in recruiting and hiring female photographers.

My newspaper in Sarasota, Florida was hailed in the industry while I was there for having a female publisher, executive editor, managing editor and AME/Visuals who were all women.  I admired them; they were great teachers and mentors.  I had pushed my own sisters to advance themselves.  It would be have been hypocritical of me and sent a bad message to a lot of people, especially my wife, if I would have pounded my chest and rescinded my agreement.

Oddly enough, during the 2008 presidential campaign, I got a lot of comfort seeing Todd Palin and Bill Clinton standing back and supporting their wives.  If anything, it shows how the Foreign Service is changing and, more broadly, the workplace.   It was amusing watching the film Julie & Julia about Julia Child.  Much of it revolves around her staying busy as a trailing diplomatic spouse, which is actually instrumental in her ultimately becoming who she became. It is an arcane look at what the foreign service used to be and shows how far women have come in the modern diplomatic corps.  There is a growing number of male trailing spouses which in the grand scheme of things is a good thing.

I have adapted to the life and just finished a Master’s program through University of the Arts, London.  I have started a new life as a freelance photographer and have changed my outlook on photography where I used to be entirely focused on newspaper photography.  I just had my first two consecutive solo photography exhibitions ever in Maputo.   Advantages for a photographer in diplomatic life are becoming clearer.

Maputo has been a good post for us.  I’ve adapted to the Foreign Service lifestyle and being a trailing spouse.  I am a freelance photographer and am represented by Polaris Images and do stock photography for Corbis and Alamy.  I also do contract work for the embassy producing their newsletter and other occasional projects, have spoken and presented workshops, and taught classes here on freelance work.   I’ll now be focusing on a new use of my background and education looking at the potential of the Internet, news agencies and the rapidly changing journalism field.

Advising a Foreign Service spouse would be difficult.  It’s an individual decision and not everybody is cut out for it.  I have seen a number of spouses and foreign service officers who could not handle the changes in lifestyle, culture and being away from family and friends.  I had grown accustomed to it over my career despite growing up in a tight-knit family.

Work, weather and culture took getting used to.  Maputo is what is known as a hardship post.  The weather is hot and humid like Florida and South Texas.  Culturally, my only comparison is Mexico with a huge disparity of wealth with extremes of wealth and severe poverty, endemic corruption, infrastructure problems, crime, pollution, and other problems.

Maputo is a former Portuguese colony that gained its independence in 1975, suffered through years of civil war which ended in 1993 and is still one of the poorest countries in the world.

I have made local friends.  My closest friend, Carlos Litulo, is a Mozambican photojournalist.  My wife and I have become good friends with a Mozambican businessman married to a former British diplomat.  Our family travels to the U.S. once a year during our mandatory “R&R” which is paid for to our home city there,  but many families return more often on their own dime.  We try to do leisure travel but it can be difficult with small children.  We take regular trips to South Africa to take a break from the harsh aspects of Mozambique.  Being able to drive on a pot hole-free road or walk through a mall can be a great relief.

Mozambique is not known for its cuisine outside of the availability of fresh seafood.  The Portuguese did not leave cuisine behind like the French did in their former colonies, however, they did leave their café culture.  You can’t drink the water (we are issued a water distiller), and we do most of our shopping on monthly trips to South Africa.

Our income has been affected.  I was paid well at the Times and it was tough giving up two incomes to become a dependent while contributing with my supplementary freelance money.  Our marriage has had tough challenges.  Not having support of family and friends is tough.  The Internet helps tremendously with Skype, social media like Facebook and Twitter, blogs and e-mail.  We stay involved in the diplomatic community and established a daily family routine.  Families in the Foreign Service are often close because of its nomadic nature.

As far as the places we live, I do have a say in her choice of postings.  In the past, diplomatic spouses used to be part of an officer’s evaluation.  It wasn’t long ago that how well you entertained and presented yourself to the diplomatic community were points taken into consideration for promotions.  Family still has influence on whether one gets a posting.  We discuss it intensely taking a number of factors into consideration.  Posting lengths vary but generally they are between two to three years.  On occasion they can be extended or for a non-accompanied hardship post like Afghanistan, Iraq or Pakistan, they can be only a year.