I love this pic of me at eight (in the stripes!)
By Caitlin Kelly
Before Facebook — remember? — friend was a noun. You might befriend someone but “friend” wasn’t really a verb.
Today, thanks to social media (hello!), people can, and do, make friends worldwide. I’m really looking forward to finally meeting two of them in London in September. Both are people I’ve gotten to know, initially, through their blog and through Twitter, and have since had many Zooms to just get to know one another better. We’ve shared stories about our families and childhood, about travel and books and music — all the things one talks about face to face. We’ve shared fears and hopes and struggles, in the spirit of true intimacy.
I do end up being “extremely online” which is embarrassing but it’s also the easiest and quickest way to say hi to people and enjoy some chat.
It’s become clearer to me that some of these physically distant friendships are much deeper and stronger and more mutual than some I have where I live here in New York. That’s difficult to admit and painful. I’ve lived in the same town now for more than 30 years and still have yet to make more than a handful of friends — the women here (maybe everywhere?) are so obsessed with their children and grand-children, their work and the people they already know. Breaking in feels overwhelming — everyone has their golf foursome and card partners already. I had lunch a while ago with a woman from church who said she decided to have lunch with me as I seemed interesting — then told me I talked too much and ran off to her regular card game.
Ouch.
I weary of auditioning.
My first wedding day! Marion is still my bestie; we met at university.
I finally called it a day last week with a woman I’ve known for 20 years. I didn’t do it lightly or happily but, for the umpteenth time, she cancelled on a meet-up we had planned, one I had already waited weeks for. I was done. She is someone who thrives on doing good deeds and the resulting public admiration — all lovely. But time with me always felt like an afterthought, and it’s just depressing to feel so little valued.
In contrast, the people in my spin class I see every week have a much better idea what’s happening in my life and celebrate my wins, like another recent story on the front page of The New York Times’ business section, no small accomplishment and one I’m proud of. The woman I mentioned — not a word. She wouldn’t even have noticed. My co-ed softball team of more than 20 years is full of people who know and love me and Jose. The obvious thing about true friendship — even if you’re separated by continents — is it demands intention, attention and consistency. You don’t have to be in touch daily or weekly, or even monthly, but without regular updates it’s easy to let it all fade away.
I know some friendships die in the face of adversity — a cancer diagnosis, chronic illness, unemployment, divorce. That’s when the true friends show up!
I try my best to be a good friend. I stay in touch, by phone, email, text and Zoom with friends in Toronto and B.C. (my oldest pals) and others far away as well. I know if/when they or a loved one is ill or facing surgery. I send cards and gifts, and am happy to do so. Some come to visit and sleep on our sofa (one bedroom!) and we are thrilled to see them. We recently gave one $1,000 to help her buy the used car she needed.
But the love and attention has to be mutual.
Have you ended a weak or one-way friendship?
Broadside 
I’m quietly crying, grateful for this snippet of sunlight in an increasingly shadowed world. What a gift you are.
thanks
you certainly have a great approach. it’s hard to cut the cord with long friendships, but when you realize that you are out of synch with what you each bring to the relationship, it’s time to move on from it. and your new friendships sound joyful and invigorating, good for you! p.s. congrats on your piece in the times
Thanks…I am not happy to have done it. I am not knee-deep in friends, but it was clear she wouldn’t even reconsider her busybusy schedule and that’s not how I live or want to.
Thanks for such a perceptive post about an aspect of friendship that should get more attention. Yes, mutual, shared effort! Caitlin, your stories of connections nurtured across miles (and oceans!) thru social media have long inspired me. It seems obvious to me that people you can relate to, and who will make the effort, are much more nourishing than local people to whom you have tenuous connections. I do understand the benefit of someone within a short drive away. But that’s often transactional. I’m often puzzled at the value others seem to place on “friendships” where the only advantage is geographical proximity. That can be handy, but in my book, that’s an acquaintance, not a friend. In recent years, I don’t even start friendships with people who lack curiosity about others, have poor listening skills, or are mean-spirited. If a potential new friend passes that bar (and yes, I have standards) yet they are almost never available – how can we be actual friends? What you’ve described with the “friend” who cancelled, repeatedly – yuck. I haven’t had that exact experience, but I have known some women who NEVER make an effort. I certainly can be flexible if her poor health, long hours at work, etc cause long gaps in our conversations. But if there’s no effort on their part, WTF?
Thanks…starting to hit the same issue (!) with someone I know from Twitter who lives an hour’s drive north who I have yet to meet. She has now canceled at least twice and I’m going to ask her to meet me, literally, halfway — somewhere a half hour drive for each of us. I see this pattern repeating and am really tired of being so accommodating. I suspect she won’t do it, and I really have to start sticking to my guns about this.
In contrast, I do have a local friend who sat for a day at the hospital with me while I had 3 tests. As she said to me, that’s how a friendship deepens (and did), not just a coffee every 6 weeks.
For decades my closest friends have lived hundreds of miles away, so I’m used to not seeing them in person. We rely on zooms, emails, and phone calls. If the friend cannot even manage that, then it’s just not going to work
Right? It’s hard but worth doing.
It’s hard to find and make good friends who will show up consistently and listen. Grateful to be able to call you one.
I don’t think I’ve ever ended a friendship, but I have had some friendships fizzle out when people move away. I had what I thought was a close friendship with a colleague who then left the company and moved countries. But she didn’t put in the effort to keep in touch and it became one-sided on my part, sadly. As you say, when you’re not geographically close, it takes mutual effort to keep in touch, but it can easily be done.
Congratulations on your story! Very moving and a huge achievement.
You too! It really does take mutual interest and effort — which is why so many friendships can really change when one gets married and especially has kids.